Into the Wilds of Middle School

Top of the North American food chain? Grizzly Bears, Timber Wolves, perhaps the elusive Lynx? No that spot is reserved for the Sixth Grade Girl.

While fairly unpredictable as individuals. When traveling in packs they can be absolutely ruthless to not only outsiders but their own as well. A free roaming pack of Sixth Grade Girls should be avoided at all costs. Do not make eye contact, they can smell fear.

The dynamics of these packs are in a constant state of flux as alpha members begin to evolve and splinter packs develop and break away on a daily often hourly basis. This ebb and flow unpredictability is the tactic they use most on the well meaning middle age male as he strolls naively doe-eyed in their midst. Only to be figuratively skeletonized and emasculated within moments realizing that he truly is no longer part of the popular culture.

That annoying high pitched drone that seems to follow the packs around is not the sound of the industrial accident in process, it is often mistaken for. It is the squeals of delight these packs use to signal their approval of the “boy band” du-jour. In much the same manner that white smoke signals a new pope at the vatican, the Sixth Grade Girl squeal alerts the pack that a new heart throb has been selected and all references to yesterday’s selection should be avoided and any mention of them should be ridiculed by the pack.

This is but one example of the nuanced means of verbal and nonverbal communication that the pack uses. In much the same way that whales and dolphins use a series clicks, whistles and moans to communicate, Sixth Grade Girls signal approval and disapproval through squeals, eye rolls, heavy signs and stares.

These signals are as cryptographic to the casual observer as any algorithm that modern security experts have developed. The key is not to try to decrypt these messages. As you are not a member of this pack or subgroup you can not possibly understand and this will be pointed out to you numerous times in any communication to do attempt to have with this group.

So how do you survive this scourge? You don’t survive unscathed but you hope that the 180 days of six grade doesn’t weaken you to the point that your easy pick’n for the teenage boy (another of nature’s horrors).